The Mind Of A Delusionist
by desolate-love
Summary: A Hunting Trip Goes Wrong, And Changes Jasper's Life Forever.
1. Chapter 1

The thirst is no fun. It over powers all of your thoughts and takes away all the boundaries that you've worked so hard to build up. It can ruin your life in a matter of seconds.

I held Alice's dead limp body in my arms, crying her name and wanting to bring her back so bad. I barely even realized when Carlisle screamed and ran out the door, followed by Esme when she realized that i wasn't responding to her on purpose. I'm glad that she eventually left as well, because i don't want anyone else in the house besides Alice and me. I lift her off the blood covered floor and place her body onto the couch. She's so beautiful in every way; the blood drying in her ears and nose and mouth, and the pieces of glass stuck in her arms and neck. Yes, she was beautiful. To me. She would always be beautiful to me.

Even though i knew she was no longer with me, i still tried to talk with her. I told her that even though she was only gone for a few hours, i already missed her. And about how her hair looked really pretty that day, it had a special kind of glow to it. About how i would have Carlisle fix up the cuts on her and she would be as good as new. But even as i was saying these things, i knew she wasn't really listening. And so i stopped talking. The thoughts in my mind are coming and going so fast that i doubt if i even had a single whole thought. Alice. Carlisle. Dead. Alice. Blood. Accident. Alice. Gone. Dead. Alice. She really made me happy. I can only think about how this situation came to be, and how easy it would have been to prevent it.

Her body is heavier than normal as i lift her back where she belongs, in my arms. I half expect her to wake up and kiss me lightly on the nose, but when she doesn't i don't feel disappointed.

I walk up the stairs and head for our bedroom; the only place where we can ever really be alone. I place her down on our bed, that Alice insisted on having just for decoration. The little areas on her that are still dripping blood stain the comforter and pillow cases. I don't mind. She's so beautiful that anything having to do with her would be beautiful in my mind as well.

I can hear the others starting to come into the 'living' room downstairs. I can hear them asking why Carlisle's not here. I can hear them calling my and Alice's names. I can hear them deciding that there's no one home. I can hear them leaving rather disappointingly. I can hear them wondering why there's nobody at home.

My eyes go back to Alice, they find hers, still open and vacant and beautifully golden, even in death. I try to find her feelings, but a new wave of sadness comes when i realize that i am no longer going to be able to read her feelings. I can no longer make her happy just to see her smile. Her smile. I'll never see it again.

Edward crashes through the door and stares at Alice's limp body laying on our bed. His eyes have a hint of sadness and pity. But i know that he's mainly in shock. He's surprised. Surprised that I'm the one that killed the angel. He runs to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders and whispers to me that he's sorry and that it's not my fault. But I'm barley listening.

I look around the corner and see Bella standing in an awkward position leaning against the wall, tears in her eyes. It was the worst time, but i remembered how excruciatingly thirsty i was. Edward read my thoughts and pushed me away to stare at my clack eyes. The ones with black rims, the ones that I've never worn while i was with Alice. I growl at Bella, and Edward returns the growl to me. It pushes me further and i lunge for Bella, but I'm stopped short and hurled out of my bedroom window. Broken glass flying everywhere and tearing my shirt and pants. And making a noise that i hoped i never had to hear again as it crashed and broke on the ground. The sound is so familiar that it snaps me out of my 'trance' and i run. I'm running faster than I've ever ran before. I don't know where I'm going, but as long as it's away.

As i run i remember.

_

* * *

Alice and i were hunting in the woods just like any other night. Except we had to return home early because Alice was complaining about seeing horrible visions about something happening to me. She was terrified. We finished our elk and started back to the house._

_Carlisle and Esme were in the kitchen discussing something or other but i didn't pay much attention to them._

_Alice and i sat on the couch together, while i tried to calm her down. I took her small milky white hands into mine and kissed her palms. She calms, whether on her own or because of me i wasn't sure._

_She freezes and we all stare at her blank, expressionless eyes. When she returns to us she looks even more terrified than before. She won't tell me what she saw, but i can feel real fear coming from her._

_She jumps on me and starts kissing me non stop. When she releases me she tells me repeatedly that she loves me and that she'll love me no matter what._

_I'm confused about why she did this and why she's afraid, but my thoughts are stalled by the sound of the doorbell._

* * *

I tear away from my mind from that too vivid memory, i don;t think i could recall the rest of it very clearly, or without breaking down here among the trees.

I barely feel the fall leaves crunching beneath my feet as i run through the trees in the forest where Alice and i had hunted just a few hours ago. The trees are strangely colorless and don't have that wonderful smell that Alice used to point out. I slow my running to more closely examine the trees. The bark seems more rough and harsh and meaningless than before. It upsets me.

Alice loved trees.

She would always find the biggest one in the forest and climb all the way to the top and make me climb up after her and rescue her. But little games like that seem so juvenile right now. The trees look so frail and like they're on the verge of breaking anyway, I'm afraid to climb up and save my princess.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks had passed and the pain of Alice's death didn't ease, even slightly. The house was scarily quiet and everyone's mood was sad, or sullen, or angry, or upset, or irritated. Nobody had happiness, or excitement or even any moods like those. I was sitting on my bed. Alone. I would be alone for the rest of my existence. She would never come back to tell me that she loved me ever again. She would remain gone until the end of eternity. Gone. Gone. Gone.

I wasn't reading, or writing, or humming to myself, i was just sitting. Her and i used to just sit with each other and think,. It was quiet. It was peaceful. It was nice.

I came out of my thoughts when i sensed happiness coming from downstairs. It was a shock. Not in the sullen Cullen's house. Never. Curiosity killed the cat though. I crept down the stairs warily. I could hear talking and clapping and i could see smiles. Esme and Bella are in an embrace while Carlisle is shaking Edward's hand. Emmett was laughing, with one arm around Rosalie to keep her calm. As i reached the bottom of the stairs everyone became quiet as they notices that i had arrived. I can see Edward check my eyes, my golden ones that i despised because they were just like hers. They're too perfect for me. Edward left from Bella's side and walked over to me and wraps me in his arms. 'Bella and i are engaged' he says. I barley notice these happy and unhappy and abusing and joyful words because i can see her in the window.

She's right there. She's happy, she's smiling, she's happy. She's home. I fun forward as fast as i can, almost breaking the glass sliding door with the force i use to open it. I look out, expecting my wife, but she's nowhere to be seen but in my mind. I could have sworn she was there. I saw her. I know i did.

I suppose my mind wants me to suffer.

That was the only memory that i could recall for the next several months. I sat alone in my room. I hunted when necessary and i went to school. I didn't smile or laugh, or talk, or acknowledge the world in any way. I was a vegetable. A mere slab of pasty white skin. No soul, no brain, no love, no hate, no emotions, no thoughts at all.

We had buried her. She was in the same cemetery as Edward's parents. Carlisle said that Alice would have liked that. But i knew that she wouldn't. What she wants is to com back. 'She didn't ask to die' i said to Carlisle one afternoon. He merely nodded and looked at me. I believe that was the last time a spoke in a very long time. Everyone noticed but nobody said anything about it. Not to me at least. I don't mind not talking, it's nice to know that your thoughts are safe from everyone. Everyone but Edward that is. Her still hears me even though i don't talk. But not for long.

I had to do what Edward tried to so so very long ago. I couldn't go on like this for much longer. It was Alice or nothing. And there was only one more option left. Her end would be followed by my would be an obstacle though. But i think i can work around him, if i try hard enough.

The next weeks were used with a purpose and a goal. Something that i hadn't had in a very long time. I thought and planned only when Edward was with Bella. He wouldn't be listening for me then. I was safe in my mind for those moments.

I knew what i was going to do. I would go to Italy. I would do something to attract attention to what i am at heart. I would be killed. And maybe, hopefully, I would be with my Alice once again. Only if Edward was wrong about what we are. Only if we're not damned. Only if.

* * *

**Sorry About The Short Chapter. I Have Lots Of Homework And A Social Life(Not Really) But The Next One Will Be Longer. I Promise(: REVIEW PLZZZ :D**


	3. Chapter 3

It might just be me, but I was surprised that Edward hadn't caught onto my plan yet. I knew that i didn't want him to, but I was almost certain that id been thinking about it while I was near him. He would have crashed me down onto the floor, and chained me up, and never let me out of his sight ever again. I need to be more cautious of what I think around him. I need to go through with this.

Everything was set and ready for me to leave. I would depart on the 23rd of October, in only two weeks. I had no belongings accompanying me except for Alice's necklace. I would keep that with me so that I could return it to her in heaven. She would get her necklace back, whatever is took to do so.

I had to think to do something that I never had to think about before. Writing a suicide note to my family. Just so i could properly say goodbye to them. I would acknowledge them individually, but as a whole, a family. They would hate me for going like this but I would tell them that there was no other way. I would tell them that I loved them and that I was honestly sorry for the pain that would follow my death or my birth into a new life. Oh, how desperately I wished Edward were wrong.

The days seemed to go by so fast that if I blinked it would be tomorrow. Normally this wouldn't matter, what's one day when you live forever? But every passing day was another day closer to my death.

Today though, was just a little bit different than i had originally planned. I was lying on my bed, thinking about death, as i usually do. Only today, i had an unexpected visitor. Edward. Apparently, he had been listening to me longer than he usually did. I was ruined.I heard him yell for Carlisle. I heard him yell for Esme. I heard them come into the living room. I heard him tell them what i was going to do. I heard them fun up the stairs. I heard them crash through my door, their faces horror-stricken.

It had only been about four seconds.

No words were spoken but none needed to be. I felt all they were going to say. Disbelief. Horror. Sadness. Pity. Hatred. So many different emotions i could barely contain it all at Carlisle spoke. 'Jasper, son. Tell me this isn't true...' He said. I wanted to tell him it wasn't. I wanted calmness to flow through this house again, just for once. But i shook my head and more negative emotions flooded into my brain.

Esme ran to me and held me close. But i made no attempt to hug her back. I didn't want to get close enough to anyone to feel love. Edward knew that. He didn't like it, but he knew it. Carlisle and Edward left into the hall, i could hear them talking. Words like 'Alice' and 'Dead' and 'Fault' rushed into my heard from the hallway. Esme was still surrounding me. 'Oh Jasper don't ever leave us. Remember what happened to Edward.' She told me. 'Esme dear, Edward's reason for life was still alive. I have nothing to come back to.' I responded. I felt sadness crash through the air, but i did nothing to change it. She deserved her own emotions right now.

Carlisle and Edward came back into the room. Their bodies sending off feelings of power and sureness. 'Jasper,' Carlisle spoke, 'We aren't going to let you kill yourself. We love you and you ate wanted here. Doesn't that matter to you at all?' I didn't answer. I stood, breaking away from Esme, and ran out my window and onto the lawn. I saw Carlisle race after me but being stopped by Edward. Telling hin that I wasn't going to Volterra, i expect. Because nobody followed me.I ran through the woods not knowing where i was going, but not really caring. I rushed past all the trees and all the rocks. They seemed to stare at me while i passed.

Saturday.

It was Saturday. No school. Why wasn't Edward with Bella? Bella. Bella...Within minutes, i arrived at the small white house on the edge of the woods. Charlie wasn't there. But Bella was. I tried to think of why Bella wasn't with Edward but came up blank. Intrigue.

I climbed the tree outside Bella's window, and tapped on it lightly; but loud enough for a human to hear, I heard fumbling from inside and a faint swear following the creaking of glass. Finally she came to the window.

'Jasper?' She asked. She looked surprised to see me outside her window instead of her fiancé. 'May i come in Bella?' I asked her quietly. She seemed reluctant but finally nodded her head and let me enter the room. I saw a broken cup on the floor with water everywhere. 'Did i startle you?' I asked looking at the glass. She told me that i have but it was no big deal. I apologized anyway.I watched as she cleaned up the broken glass from the wood floor and sat on her bed when she finished. She stared at me. 'Why are you here?' I wondered for a while. Why was i there?

'Bella...' I said after a few seconds,' you knew Alice very well. She was your best friend.' I could see her eyes starting to water. 'Remind me about her. Tell me everything you remember please. I don't want to lose her any more than i already have.'


End file.
